The Arches Leisure Centre (Greenwich) - Swimming pool review

In The Arches Leisure Centre, "even the +60 seem to be taking swimming seriously".

Where the magic happens

I have a soft spot for The Arches in Greenwich. It's the first pool I ever went to when I first arrived in London, and I still go there on a regular basis as it's the nearest leisure centre to my house. Romantic attachments aside, I can see it isn't the greatest pool in the city by any stretch of the imagination, however it has some things going for it that set it aside from the cesspits that pass for swimming baths in some other London boroughs (all I'll say is... *cough*surrounding neighbourhoods*cough*)

For a start, it is easy to travel to (albeit slightly far off Central London). It's located on Trafalgar Road, a few blocks away from Greenwich Park, so you can get there by DLR (Cutty Sark station) or overground train (Maze Hill, a 20 min ride from Charing Cross). I mean I'm not sure how many other WEIRDOS out there would travel around London trying different swimming pools like I do, but location has a certain importance when you're venturing in new areas. The pool is built on a quite frankly old and miserable-looking building that resembles an old warehouse, with three big archways with steps on the front (hence its name). Kate Bush fans reading this (*sniggers*) may want to give The Arches a try if only to bathe in the faint presence of Cathy's ghost, seeming as the boiler room of this leisure centre was used by Kate and her band to rehearse back in the 70's when she was still an unknown touring the provinces (/Lewisham). I haven't been granted access to it yet, but I LIVE ON HOPE.

The leisure centre is fairly big, and it has BOTH a leisure pool AND a fitness pool. On opposite sides of the building. Which is of prime importance, as any swimming aficionado will know, to avoid any of Satan's spawn the children that clog most of the pools in London's suburbia. Greenwich sidesteps this problem by locking them all up in the leisure pool (I think it has some slides and a hydro pool but I'm not sure, I've only been once and I've worked hard at erasing the memory of it), leaving the fitness one for the BIG BOYS - and the Greenwich swimming club. Yes, South East London is big on swimming and the Greenwich club trains most of the weekday evenings here, which is a good thing in terms of RAISING YOUR GAME (if you're a Competitive Carly) but can also be a bad thing when they occupy two of the pool lanes for their session, which amounts to 40% of the lanes in The Arches' case (they have 'Front Crawl', 'Fast', 'Medium', 'Slow' and amusingly patronising 'Very slow' lanes). Yes, the pool is not terribly wide and shock horror, it's actually only 23m long. I mean, unless you're taking this very seriously or do it as often as I do you probably won't notice the difference but there you go. Another pet hate of mine is the fact that lanes are divided in a way that does not match the tiling on the bottom of the pool, meaning if you are looking down and kicking hard (what some call proper swimming..) you need to constantly make sure you keep your lines straight otherwise you will end up bumping into fellow swimmers. And you'll be kicking hard all right, lest your body freezes up and you collapse right there and then - because the pool is built in what looks like an old function room with big doors and an overhead balcony, there's no heating and room temperature is always chilly. This is bad enough when walking around in lycra, but wait until you get in the water - there's cold water and then there's The Arches' trademark Siberian lake experience. I know it's all part of a carbon emission cuts programme and I'm all for greener and leaner but, honestly, during the winter you will spend the first 10 seconds of your time in the water wanting to kill the manager go back to the hot showers.

Please shower lest you die of hypothermia

I'm conscious that The Arches sounds like the pool from hell so far but there are some pluses. The end of lane walls are quite sturdy (granite I think), making flip turns easy (and yes this is important). It is also generally quiet when off-peak (mornings and weekends - although you should AVOID 10am to midday as this is school time during the week), and if you go there on a Saturday you may be in a chance to swim alongside an extremely quick and swashbuckling middle-aged blind swimmer, which is not a sentence I type often. Speaking of TALENT, Greenwich gym is reasonably HOMOSEXUAL (for South East London anyway) so there is some muscle candy for the boyz, and some misguided (but toned) wives and girlfriends. Can't say I've noticed any really fit girls, but then HOW WOULD I. I've had to endure some Bikini Birds though - the kind that go to the fitness pool in a TWO-PIECE STRING BIKINI, so I guess you could say they're actively looking to mate (or at least project the illusion). Staff is generally charming and helpful (they used to have a hideous fishwife in reception but she has thankfully been retired), lifeguards are friendly and say 'hello' / nod at you when you come in (it's the little things that matter for regulars), and the pool has a reasonable amount of training equipment at your disposal (it's a swim club training ground after all). Crowd is usually good, albeit not very chatty, and tend to get out of your way if they notice you're swimming faster than them, although I once had to kick a Bikini Bird in her ugly face when she BARKED at me to move from the Fast Lane to the Front Crawl one so she could BREASTSTROKE. In the fucking Fast Lane. Yeah, you get the odd duffer but most of the times it's a decent bunch. For the purposes of my Let's All Swim Together project (where I prove to my friend Jason that not only white people swim), I will say that whilst predominantly white, a fair few Asian and Black swimmers join in the splashy fun. There are some really dedicated Japanese swimmers (<3) and lovely Eastern European boys as well as your default cockney gals and geezers. The fact that the pool is very close to Greenwich University brings in a nice healthy mix of people. Even the +60 seem to be taking swimming seriously. Good stuff!

Changing rooms are down the corridor outside the pool (I'm choosing to ignore, as many swimmers do, the awful Victorian changing cubicles/coffins by the poolside - who thought getting changed in half a square metre can ever be a good idea?!), but having to leave the swimming area to get changed means you will have to perform a triumphal POSEY PARADE / WALK OF SHAME down the corridor in your trunks to get in and out of the water. It's not too bad as the changing rooms are nice enough and the 6 open space showers have been recently refurbished, although this inevitably brings some CELL BLOCK H/OZ memories (which I'm sure is a positive for some). No refreshment machine is available and their tap water is WARM, the cheeky fuckers, so bring your own from home. Also, as you leave, you can always check your current times against those of the nine year olds in the club tables and WEEP.

Changing room: knock on wood

All in all, I think I like Greenwich more than I should just because I'm attached to it and is a bike ride away for me. It has a pro but relaxed atmosphere, as any fitness pool should do, but a little tinkering to bring it into the 21st century wouldn't go amiss (they can keep the quaint English seaside mural in the wall but for the love of Mike Spitz sort those cubicles and pool lines).

GOING SWIMMINGLY: A pool King Herod would approve of.

SAIL AWAY: Glacial first contact. Not open on Friday evenings - boo.